Choosing to be Prepared: Taking Ownership
Feeling guilty for not blogging in two weeks - I just returned from a long vacation and I think I'm getting sick. Blah. I'm sure it's the mix of little sleep, alcohol, junk food and stress... Yeah, probably my recipe for death.
From Monterey to Sacramento, I helped throw a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend (who never drinks and decided to "go hard") and I was a bridesmaid in my girlfriend's wedding (who had 12 bridesmaids and 300 people attend)... It was an eventful and exciting weekend to say the least.
I had an unforgettable weekend with friends, but I woke up this morning feeling sickeningly stressed...
I became anxious thinking about returning back to my routine today... It's funny how we stress ourselves out, about not doing things we're supposed to, which further creates resistance to accomplish those things. I paralyzed myself, fearing a long list of to-do. Good ole procrastination.
I sat on it. I tried to peel back the layers to figure out why I felt so sick. I could feel the stress tightening the muscles in my body and increasing my heart rate. My mindset was effecting my entire body.
It wasn't until about 2 o'clock that I realized why I was stressed: I was mad at myself for risking my happiness this weekend, and for not feeling in control. And I was so upset at myself still today, that I decided to further procrastinate and continue to "sit in my shit" (as I like to call it, bluntly).
I wasn't angry I attended these events with my friends, but for not ensuring I get the things done I needed to to feel good about myself (like exercising, eating healthy, writing, etc.)
Anyone who has something they've fallen in love with, that they do everyday because it makes them feel alive, knows exactly what I'm talking about.
What's my solution?: be aware and prepare. I was totally in control of what happened to me. I could have brought headphones to listen to a podcast, I could have brought healthy snacks from home, and I could have woken up earlier to exercise. Taking the time to think about my day and what I needed to do to make sure my needs were met, would have made all the difference. But forget coulda, shoulda, woulda. I'm learning.
Instead of spending another minute moping around, checking Instagram 1,000 times because I want to forget about my self-created stress, I'm going to sit here and start my day over. At 9:15 pm. I'm letting that sh*t go.
I'm writing this blog, I'm going to do a couple quick plyometric exercises in my room, and I'm reminding myself why I love me.
Life can feel hard when I allow my emotions to overlook my reality - this is why self-awareness is so important to me. If I can acknowledge my feelings, and dig deep to see where they are really coming from, I can solve the problem and learn from it.
I'm human - I didn't plan ahead to make sure my needs were met, I was hard on myself, and I created a high expectation that further handicapped my drive to keep pushing. But I am so so aware of that and of all the things I still want to improve.
Note to self: Try not to get caught up in negative emotions that make you feel angry or sad about life. Acknowledge you are human, take time to feel the emotion out, and get back on track. Remember who you are and who you working towards becoming.